The hour of sad choices

How healthy is it to let someone else have so much power over you. If just one word she says or a tiny little thing she does could make you insanely happy or incredibly sad, is it good for you. I don’t understand this relationship, this whatever. I just feel I love her from all my heart, and when I lose her, I would die. I know I sound so immature, and I haven’t felt this childish since, well… since I was actually a child.

I don’t like to be emotionally dependent on people. Not even my family. I don’t trust friends. This person, for some inexplicable twisted reason, is the only one I trust. She knows so much about me, but I know so little about her. She knows everything I’ve done, everything I want to do, all my hopes and dreams and she doesn’t tell me much about her and I don’t ask.

What’s happened to me. I was THE man. Totally in control of my life, absolutely unattached to anyone, sleeping with women even twice as old as me, drinking, money and all that. I never thought someone else would have this immense power over me like this.

And she knows it. Oh yes she does. I don’t know what she intends to do to me. I feel like a fly stuck in a spider’s web at times. Sometimes I break free. I’d make up stupid reasons, get insecure and jealous and pick a fight. I would hurt her so bad that she doesn’t want to talk to me. But then I miss her so much I feel I’m dying. I go back to her and beg for forgiveness. Being the angel that she is, she always forgives.

What is the end. I cannot leave her. Would she? She must, because that’s the only logical end to this. Perhaps she’s preparing me for it because she doesn’t want to hurt me. She’s telling me not to be sad if I won’t have her, that she’ll always be there for me in my heart. That’s true. I’ve never felt this way for anyone and I never will. I never thought I would be faithful to anyone in a relationship or marriage. I thought I’ll have sex with hundreds of women in my life. And this girl, I love her so much I can’t even look at another girl now. I was so angry a few days ago I thought I’ll go and sleep with this Chinese slut. I even went to her place and parked my car there. But I couldn’t get out out of the car. I could not do this to our love. No matter how many guys she flirts with or goes out with or whatever, I simply could not cheat on us.

I feel so lost. So depressed. I wish she would just come to me and tell me that she loves me and would never leave me.

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