Intoxication has toxic in it

It’s funny how I never realised that.  Intoxication literally means introducing a toxic substance to your system. I hate drinking by the way. The smell and taste of alcohol sickens me. Smoking is much worse, and I particularly hate sharing a spliff because you have to smoke at someone else’s pace.

I hate what I do when I’m, err, intoxicated. Instead of my usual nonchalant slightly arrogant self (haha), I could become painfully pompous and be hyper-sensitive to the slightest, umm, slight. I get really aggressive and pick fights with random people. Thankfully, I somehow come across as intimidating when inebriated to most people so I actually manage to avoid fighting, although once I got beaten up by a massive goth chick. I completely lose my pride and self dignity, and call up friends to say how much I love them, or how sorry I am that I’ve hurt them in the past and crap

I also forget my resolution to not DUI, so I have to hide my keys (from myself) so that I don’t end up in jail. I have to hide my phone too, so that I don’t propose to someone by mistake. I’ve been known to call a certain friend and ask her out and shit, although she has a boyfriend and I certainly don’t think of her as anything more than a friend when I’m sober. Perhaps all these are repressed emotions that I wouldn’t normally wouldn’t want to explore.

Now I’ve got a massive problem at hand because I believe I’ve professed my undying love UI to a chick I don’t really care much about, and  had little more than a passing interest. I don’t want to hurt her a. because she’s very sensitive, b. she’s friends with lots of people I know, and c. I’m actually partially responsible for her breaking up with a friend of mine. I actually thought the bugger was treating her badly and sort of got into a fight with him over her. I cannot actually go out with her in public because that’d mean I actually like someone that my friend treated like shit. That’s like eating other people’s rubbish. Plus I tried to make up with him saying I can’t stand the bitch either and that she played us against each other which was totally not the case. She’s back in Hongkong now and I’m trying to ignore her calls but it would sort of bruise my ego to see her eventually lose interest in me. The only way out I think is to be ambivalent about everything until she comes back, shag her if I can, and get her back together with my friend. But I’m not a player and I get emotionally attached to every girl I get close to, so I know it’s going to be a lose-lose situation. I don’t know – perhaps I actually love her underneath it all but the social stigma of hand-me-downs is too much to bear for my petty mind. I wish I could be like those PUAs who don’t give a shit if they hurt other people’s feelings, and don’t have feelings themselves.

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